- // I write this to you after having previously spent the night overwhelmed by a massive pile of tears. We need to talk about grieving because we need to talk about the many emotions that make you feel so isolated. I hope that I can capture some feelings that you have not quite been able to put into words, I know that it took me some time. The process of grieving seems so irrationally long and confusing. The steps are not a clean five: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. You will likely feel each one of these emotions, only to step into the next and revisit the last. Some days, you will cry about things you miss so painfully, and you will continue missing it. I need to tell you, this is not written just to the person who has lost someone in death; although, it does best fit that narrative. Every day we earn the chance to gain and lose something valuable to us, perhaps for you it is a person, a job, a relationship, a dream, or the day in and of itself. You can and should grieve the things lost, it will make you healthier. I also need to remind you that you are not alone in this, yes it can feel like you are alone. Looking back in retrospection, most friends were only a phone call away and were ready when I was ready, to talk.
- // My grief was the loss of my dad. I can tell you my journey began in denial. My hands rested numb on the steering wheel, driving from the fire station that my aunt briefed me; I made my way back towards my own home. I am the girl who ignores intense feelings other than joy, until they can finally leave my head. Grieving was the one thing that I could not seem to stuff down, regardless of how hard I packed every emotion in my imaginary disposable jar. Is that you?
- // Please allow some encouraging right now, feel every emotion, in the second that you can. If you are wandering down the grocery aisles to get bread, or you are stopping in the drive-thru for your morning coffee and fight the urge to breakdown, stop fighting and go through the emotions, the barista has seen worse. Cry when you need to cry, laugh when you need to laugh. Drive to their house and sit in their favorite rocking chair, or put just a drop of that cologne they always wore on your wrist. I needed to experience some "lasts" with my dad. I needed to smell his clean clothes one more time before placing them in the bag to be sent over to the thrift store. I needed to see his sloppy handwriting on a bill letter before it was tossed. I needed to see the food from our last meal together before the pan was washed. These landmarks left me something incredibly valuable for the hard days, a recollection of my last, sweet memories.
- // I also needed to live through some "firsts." I needed something to break and remember I could not call him to fix it, this brought a healing to remember everything he did fix. I needed to drive through the town that he passed; I stopped hating its existence and began loving the world that God made. I needed to realize his hurt, it made me kinder to hurting people. Yes, year one is filled with "firsts." I suppose that is why they call it the first year. Embrace them, let them heal you.
- // I suppose I expected to get past the loss after some measurable amount of time. I did not, and I still have not. I am realizing that I never really will and that is okay. The person who made you laugh, smile, cry, and hurt (as all people do because we are everything but perfect), deserves to be remembered. The grieving never exactly stops, or at least I have not found it too, but I am new to this thing after all. The grieving simply changes. Hard days never fully go away, but they become far less frequent and it feels possible to be happy again. Unbelievably intense sadness evolves into a far less familiar emotion once you begin to appreciate life after this person. Yes, you can enjoy life again and you deserve this, too. I noticed very quickly that life does not just stop moving forward because someone else did not continue the race with life, but in the days that you just want life to slow down and show mercy, you will build resilience. Do not shunt out excitement or joy, because you need to experience that again as well. The agony of losing someone will eventually leave you with the option to find gratitude in the time spent, or misery in the time to come, try to avoid selecting the latter.
- // Remember, people are just a phone call away. Use your tribe. Find your people. You are not alone is having lost someone or something. We make it through life together and it really does help to express your feelings out loud. Journal some thoughts, leave a last voicemail for someone, write a letter to their mailbox, draw some pictures, and listen to the songs that remind you of them. Do not stay stuck in the past, but remember with reverence, the person that impacted your life and be excited to continue life with the wisdom that they gave you. You are resilient, keep pressing on, and stop when you need some rest. "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ." Phillipians 4:7
No comments:
Post a Comment